Every year, I give up something for Lent. It's not because I'm ultra religious and feel I'll rot in Hell for not doing so. I also don't remember anywhere in the Bible where it said how Jesus cast that one dude's soul to the fiery underworld for taking bliss in a double Whopper on a Friday. Anyway, I decide to sacrifice one thing I enjoy for almost five weeks because -- why not?
I see the period of Lent as a psychological challenge, which is one portion of its purpose. We, as Catholics, are supposed to re-enact Jesus's suffering in the desert when he was tempted by Satan after the former was deprived of food and water for days on end. It's slightly difficult for me to pull off that same feat since it's 30 degrees outside right now, and I don't have the money for airfare to travel to the Sahara at the moment. I guess a McDonald's filet o'fish once a week will have to make due for now, but in past years, I raised the ante a tad when it came to Lent.
While working at Grotto Pizza one year, I gave up pizza for Lent. I was baking pizza four times a week and wasn't allowed to eat meat on the fifth. In short: It sucked. I made it, however, and felt a great pride within myself that usually happens only when I pull off drinking a Sprite in under a minute without getting hiccups.
Another year, I worked in the Carone's deli, where I had access to some of the best lunch meat around. So what did I do? Why not give up lunch meat that year. Once again, I made it the five weeks. Coincidentally, Carone's also saved $2,645.87 in deli costs that month.
One of the toughest by far was last year, however. Instead of giving up meat only on Fridays, I decided to become a vegetarian for five weeks. I still ate seafood and fish, which somehow doesn't count as meat according to the Pope and Red Lobster.
I was never more miserable during Lent. I love eating meat as much as Taylor Swift enjoys writing songs about how crappy it is to have every man on the planet at her disposal and still never manage to make a relationship work. To this day, I don't understand how people can live off lettuce and carrots alone without having a cyanide pill nearby for comfort.
When Easter day arrived, and I could consume half the animal kingdom in one meal, I never felt happier about myself. Being able to gorge myself in trans fat and grease once more was part of my satisfaction, but it was the sense of pride I gained from making it to that point that put a smile on my soon-to-be acne-ridden face. I knew I wasn't getting a free pass to Heaven or absolving that sin of stealing a piece of candy in the fourth grade, but I proved to myself that I could beat temptation down until it was a bloody pulp.
This year, I wasn't sure what to give up. It wasn't until 11:45 p.m. before Ash Wednesday that I was holding a glass of Jagermeister and Monster and thinking, "Why am I drinking on a Tuesday anyway?" There was the answer in my hand. Fifteen minutes later, I agreed on no liquor for five weeks. I like the occasional drink, and I figured it wouldn't be too hard to surrender. I had this.
It's Thursday night, and I could do many unmentionable things for a Yuengling right about now. While watching Law & Order: SVU with Cassidy on Valentine's Day, I had the urge to pour two glasses of wine to celebrate almost six months of partnership. Whoops, can't do that. During one episode, three of the detectives stopped by a bar and drank some cold ones with talk of murder. My lips puckered at the sight of beer, minus the murder.
I had speculations during my last semester in State College when I would drink every night and think: "Jeez, maybe I have a problem. Meh, this beer will take care of that." These past two days are making me consider a checkup on my liver at the next doctor's appointment. I'm going to stick by my creed, and all the alcohol jokes aside, I look forward to claiming another victory over temptation.
I've still got a long journey ahead of me that will involve great will power and many boxes of Kleenex to wipe the tears away every time I see that Budweiser ad with the Clydesdale and think, "That's so sad ... the poor horse can't drink, too."
Over many years of Lent, I've discovered many things about myself. I am able to beat temptation, which is what Lent is supposed to be all about. I feel great when I do make it the entire Lenten season because of self-satisfaction. Finally, if all else fails, and I turn out to be a terrible person in life, doing this Lent deal might look good on my resume for Heaven. I'll drink to any of these points -- but that'll have to wait till April. And yes, Most Interesting Man In The World, I will stay thirsty, my friend.
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